Poontater

Shyness has been my downfall when it comes to a lot of things I have tried to accomplish in my short existence. Not sure when or why it started (growing up I was one of the most outgoing kids on the block), but ever since my teenage years I have felt my self becoming more and more shy and quiet.  A part of me feels like it’s not ME, because once you get to know me I am not shy… not shy at all… but taking the first step is what scares me, is what puts the lump in my throat and freezes me on my tracks. I have days where I try to accept my shyness and be OK with it. It is who I am and it is what makes me ME, but then other times I hate this quality about me. I want to be and feel FREE to say what’s on my mind, to be able to openly share my thoughts and feelings. There are days where I am jealous of those who are able to speak their mind and go after what they want without balls and chains holding them down… but then there are those days where I am happy with the shy me, the quiet me, the unique me. Maybe this is something everyone struggles with, maybe as we get older it becomes easier and easier to accept… but till that day, I guess I will always wonder!

DO YOU FULLY UNDERSTAND WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE SHY?
TO WISH THE GROUND WOULD SWALLOW YOU UP,
TO SOMETIMES JUST WISH YOU COULD DIE,
TO BE SO CRIPPLED WITH FEAR
YOU NEVER LIVE LIFE TO THE FULL
TO JUST SIT ALONE AND CRY AND CRY
TO ASK YOURSELF WHY?
TO ALWAYS FEEL AS IF YOUR BEING WATCHED
WHEN REALLY YOUR NOT
TO NEVER BE ABLE TO FEEL AT EASE
AND ALWAYS BE EAGER TO PLEASE
TO ALWAYS FEEL THE ‘ODD’ ONE OUT
TO ALWAYS HAVE THAT HORRIBLE SELF DOUBT.

~~~ Author Unknown ~~~

I know that I am surrounded by people who love me for who I am and want to see me happy and support me… but I still feel very lonely. Lonely in my own hell… I do not expect anyone to understand how I feel or try to solve my problems for me. I know I am a big girl and can take care of myself… but sometimes, just sometimes I wish someone else could make everything better for me… especially on days where I feel like I have ZERO energy left and my biggest accomplishment for the day is getting out of bed and putting clothes on. But I guess the goal is to focus on everything that is positive and the fact that I am actually physically able to get out of bed, stand on my own two feet and get myself ready. And the fact that I have a job to go to everyday and that we are able to pay our bills every month. I know that I need to try to see the light at the end of the tunnel and know that one way or another this will end as well… but sometimes, some days it’s just REALLY hard.

I have been trying to throw myself at things that I know make me feel happy and give me the feeling of sense of accomplishment, but I am scared, scared that the mood I am in will take that away as well. I love working EMS, helping others and feeling like I am able to make a difference in someone’s life even if it just means listening to them… or just holding their hand and telling them it’s going to be OK. And before I started feeling this way I used to get a HUGE sense of happiness from going to work EMS, but I find lately that even though I still look forward to going to it, I no longer feel the same way.

Sometime life is hard and there is so much I still don’t understand.
I feel alone and all I have is just myself.
I talk them over and things still don’t make sense.
I have been told in time it gets better.
But I hate things to be like this it’s worse than ever.
Have I been jinxed, or maybe I didn’t wake up yet.
I have to be awake this hurts, with pain and real sweat.
All I can do is pray I go to a better place.
It can be in my head, heart, soul, and body … My inner place…

~~~ Author Unknown ~~~

Since I updated my blog or journaled. So much for trying to get back in to the groove of it. I guess I could sit here and beat myself up once again for failing at trying to keep my word, or just pick up where I left off. I think I will go with option-B, especially since beating myself down anymore then I already do is the last thing I need.

Not much has changed… other then that I feel like things for me how been going even more down-hill. For the past week I feel like I am now physically going down the slumps, instead of just mentally. I have been sleeping an average of 12 hours every night and when I am at work (or awake) I have not been able to function like a normal human-being. Everything takes 1000X more effort to do. I feel myself pulling more and more away from everything and everyone. All I want to do is feel “normal” again… I have headaches everyday, my stomach is completely messed up, I’ve been nauseous and throwing up, my GI is completely gone, my hands and legs shake, I can’t concentrate, think clearly… and I could literally go on and on for hours…

I know that I suffer from depression, it’s something I have dealt with for years for now, but this is something different and I do not wish this on my worst enemy. I just want to feel happy again, to enjoy the little things in life that used to make me happy. I have been living in darkness for months now and things are not getting any better. I know that I used to be one of the people who used to say “just push through it” but honestly I owe those who I have said that to an APOLOGY… because unless you know what they are going through and live/feel the way they (I) do, you will and never can understand how hard it is to “just push through it”. When it takes every ounce of your being to just open your eyes in the morning and roll out of bed, to just be able to throw clothes on to look semi-presentable at your job, to not want to just END IT ALL to make it all go away. I have to remind myself to eat, so I don’t get physically ill, I have to put reminders all around me just to be able to take care of my daily responsibilities… and for those who know me, this is not POONTATER. I feel like I am in someone else’s mind and body and all I want is to feel OK again.

What is happening?
What is happening to me?
One moment i’m happy
One moment i’m not me

The next i am dark,
Twisted and black
I don’t know what’s happening
I want the old me back

The old me wasn’t perfect,
But anything is better
Than what i am now

I scream in pain
I cry and i cry
I’m hurting real bad
I just don’t know why

My heart has been torn out
My insides are black
What can i do
To get my heart back

Trapped in my own mind
i want to be free
Trying to get out
But I can’t find the key

~~~Author Unknown~~~

I started to journal in my personal/private journal again the other night and I have forgotten how much I enjoy and love writing out my thoughts. My last journal entry was in June of 2010… sad I know… but don’t judge, especially since it feels like its been that long since I updated my blog last. When my therapist suggested keeping a personal journal a few years back, I thought *yeah OK this will work… whatever, but I guess I will try* and to my surprise I really liked it. It’s a safe place where I can write down all my feelings, thoughts, fears, anxiety and not be worried about being judged. I think I am going to try to make an effort to keep writing in it every night, or at least every other night… because not only does it give me an outlet… it’s also a great way to be able to look back a year from now and see where I was today.

Well I’ve been on medication for almost a week now and honestly even though at moments I feel like I can tell a difference, all in all, in general I am still in a very dark place. A place where the sun never shines, even though everyone around you tells you its 90 degrees outside and the sun is shining at its brightest.  My stomach still wants to reject everything I put in my mouth… where smiling has become a conscious effort, so the people around you don’t think you are suicidal or that they did something to piss you off. Where all I want to do is put my head on a pillow and close my eyes… because when I am a sleep I don’t have to think of the dark hole I am in and it’s normal for everything to be dark. But surprisingly I guess after a while everything because the norm… because as much as it sucks, as much as it hurts… this has become the norm for me.

sitting here in thought
not knowing what to do
so hard have i fought
and still i have no clue
as to why i feel this way
waiting for that one special day
when the tears stop flowing
when the anguish subsides
the day of truly knowing
where the root of it all lies
knowing then how to heal
knowing then how to truly feel
feel life to its full extent
to feel love in its entirety
to know my lifes true intent
and not always feel calamity
will these days ever come
i dont know
but i pray they do….

~~~ Author Unknown ~~~

I am so tired of feeling this way… no matter what I do, to try and push through it I feel down and I cannot stop the tears from coming. I don’t believe in ending your life for ANYTHING… but I think I’m starting to understand those who do not see another way out. Feeling down and in the dark all the time truly does start taking it’s toll on your body and mind… and I wish it was as easy as JUST trying to think positive, trying to push through the bad days, but it’s not that easy, it really isn’t.

I can’t even write a blog entry without crying… Jesus F**** Christ… I am so sick of this…

Nevermind… What’s the point….

No one understands what it’s like,
to hurt so much inside.
I don’t know what else to do,
except to try an hide.

I want to bring it up,
really I do.
But I’m afraid if that happens,
I’ll be stuck in glue.

Without a way out,
I watch as it fades.
Getting darker and darker,
until light turns to shade.

As soon as it starts to brighten,
and I see my future shine.
Something happens again,
that leaves me far behind.

~~~ Author Unknown ~~~

 The world contunies to go around and from what everyone has told me *it will get better*… I know what I feel and the things that I live on a day to day basis are in my own little world and it’s very hard for anyone to understand what I am going through every day, every hour, every second and I can’t expect anyone to understand. I try really hard to not effect the people around me with my own darkness, but I also know that sometimes it’s out of my hands. I wish I could go hide in a dark room by myself until everything is all better… but I know that’s not possible and I have to contunie my daily routine. Only I know what it’s like to have nightmares every night, but even though I know I will have nightmares all I want to do is sleep, because it’s a way to escape… Only I know what it’s like to fight back tears almost every minute of the day… Only I know what it feels like not wanting to eat because I know I will end up suffering horrible stomach cramps/acid and nausea or end up throwing up… This has been my routine for about the past month… This is a small glimpse in to my world and how I feel, how I struggle every day, every hour, every minute, every second of everyday.

 Its like a plague that never goes away,
Or an animal and its pray,
It waits…
And waits…
And waits…until you’re ready,
Then closes in and devours you…
From the inside out.
ALL you see is shadows of the ones you once knew,
No more happiness,
No more laughter,
No more love,
Its like a thunderstorm that blocks your soul.
Your soul becomes a black hole,
Whatever said, heard, or learned,
Is forgotten, never brought up again,
No longer does anything matter,
Its all darkness,
Like a plague that never goes away.

~~~ Author Unknown~~~