Coming out of my shell
09 Sep 2011 Leave a Comment
in Anxiety, Life, Random Talks, Thoughts
Shyness has been my downfall when it comes to a lot of things I have tried to accomplish in my short existence. Not sure when or why it started (growing up I was one of the most outgoing kids on the block), but ever since my teenage years I have felt my self becoming more and more shy and quiet. A part of me feels like it’s not ME, because once you get to know me I am not shy… not shy at all… but taking the first step is what scares me, is what puts the lump in my throat and freezes me on my tracks. I have days where I try to accept my shyness and be OK with it. It is who I am and it is what makes me ME, but then other times I hate this quality about me. I want to be and feel FREE to say what’s on my mind, to be able to openly share my thoughts and feelings. There are days where I am jealous of those who are able to speak their mind and go after what they want without balls and chains holding them down… but then there are those days where I am happy with the shy me, the quiet me, the unique me. Maybe this is something everyone struggles with, maybe as we get older it becomes easier and easier to accept… but till that day, I guess I will always wonder!
DO YOU FULLY UNDERSTAND WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE SHY?
TO WISH THE GROUND WOULD SWALLOW YOU UP,
TO SOMETIMES JUST WISH YOU COULD DIE,
TO BE SO CRIPPLED WITH FEAR
YOU NEVER LIVE LIFE TO THE FULL
TO JUST SIT ALONE AND CRY AND CRY
TO ASK YOURSELF WHY?
TO ALWAYS FEEL AS IF YOUR BEING WATCHED
WHEN REALLY YOUR NOT
TO NEVER BE ABLE TO FEEL AT EASE
AND ALWAYS BE EAGER TO PLEASE
TO ALWAYS FEEL THE ‘ODD’ ONE OUT
TO ALWAYS HAVE THAT HORRIBLE SELF DOUBT.
~~~ Author Unknown ~~~
Lonely
06 Sep 2011 Leave a Comment
in Anxiety, Life, Random Talks, Thoughts
I know that I am surrounded by people who love me for who I am and want to see me happy and support me… but I still feel very lonely. Lonely in my own hell… I do not expect anyone to understand how I feel or try to solve my problems for me. I know I am a big girl and can take care of myself… but sometimes, just sometimes I wish someone else could make everything better for me… especially on days where I feel like I have ZERO energy left and my biggest accomplishment for the day is getting out of bed and putting clothes on. But I guess the goal is to focus on everything that is positive and the fact that I am actually physically able to get out of bed, stand on my own two feet and get myself ready. And the fact that I have a job to go to everyday and that we are able to pay our bills every month. I know that I need to try to see the light at the end of the tunnel and know that one way or another this will end as well… but sometimes, some days it’s just REALLY hard.
I have been trying to throw myself at things that I know make me feel happy and give me the feeling of sense of accomplishment, but I am scared, scared that the mood I am in will take that away as well. I love working EMS, helping others and feeling like I am able to make a difference in someone’s life even if it just means listening to them… or just holding their hand and telling them it’s going to be OK. And before I started feeling this way I used to get a HUGE sense of happiness from going to work EMS, but I find lately that even though I still look forward to going to it, I no longer feel the same way.
Sometime life is hard and there is so much I still don’t understand.
I feel alone and all I have is just myself.
I talk them over and things still don’t make sense.
I have been told in time it gets better.
But I hate things to be like this it’s worse than ever.
Have I been jinxed, or maybe I didn’t wake up yet.
I have to be awake this hurts, with pain and real sweat.
All I can do is pray I go to a better place.
It can be in my head, heart, soul, and body … My inner place…
~~~ Author Unknown ~~~
