Poontater

And I guess this is how the cookie crumbles…

22 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment

by poontater in Life, Random Talks, Thoughts

My life has been what feels like a Major Cluster F*** for the past few months. I feel like I might be falling back in to my depression and I can slowly slowly feel it creeping and making my life feel darker and darker by the second. Even though I have a lot of people around me who love and support me, I still feel very lonely… just like I did last year around this time. I know that I have a lot of changes going on in my life right now, but I guess maybe I felt like “I got this”. but ha ha ha.. look who has who!

This just all sucks… I worked so hard to kick my depression and dug my way through the darkness to try and find a ray of sunshine and how it can all in an instance be taken away from you. I guess its like trying to lose weight. It takes FOREVER to lose 10lbs, but it feels like you can put it all back on in 15 minutes… Most days I can brush things off and just say “I guess this is life”, but today is not one of those days. I have been crying all morning I also know that I am probably pushing my body to its max by trying to work two full-time jobs and also making some other VERY large life changes at once… but I really thought I could handle it all. I mean I am STRONG right? Or at least I had dreamt that I was stronger then I apparently am.

I don’t want to give up and lose my battle against depression, but I am also TIRED of fighting it. It makes me a different person, I forget how to smile, how to appreciate the small things in life that used to make me happy, it takes a way my will to fight Let’s hope I am just physically tired of lack of sleep and tomorrow is going to be better… that I get to see the sun rise, hear the bird chirp, I look forward to putting on my uniform and going to a job that I LOVE… Let’s hope! Cause right now I feel like that is all I can do.