I think…
01 Aug 2011 Leave a Comment
in Anxiety, Family, Friends, Random Talks, Thoughts
People mean well when they say “Oh WOW, you look like crap.” I mean surely they can’t be saying it to be mean or anything – riiiggghhhttt? I know I look a little rough on the edges, but never thought I looked bad enough to the outside world, as bad as I felt inside, but I guess I have been wrong all along. At least I can lie and tell people I worked over the weekend and just need more sleep… And hopefully the only one who know’s the truth will be me. Because the last thing I want is to ooozzeee my depression, sadness, tears, anger and share it with others around me. One other thing I tend to get on a daily basis is “we miss our old Poontater back”, well it’s not like I CHOOSE to be this way, or that I LURVE being depressed, sad, angry, irritable…etc all the time. I also miss the old Poontater and struggle everyday to find her again, but you try drowning everyday in darkness and in tears and let me know how it feels!
Lately this has been on my mind a lot lately, the damage and effect I am causing to the people around me, to those who love me and it SUCKS! It’s one thing to struggle through depression and feel like there is no HOPE or light at the end of the tunnel, but why do the people around you have to feel the pain as well? Why can’t I just spare them all the pain and suffering that I am going through? It’s not that I don’t try to put on a smile or try to make everyone feel like I’am A – OK… but there is only so much I can do to sugar coat what I am going through and the demon I struggle with day in – day out. Sometimes I just want to run away… where I don’t know, I just want to pull a Forest Gump and just RUN… RUN…RUN… I know that it won’t make things better for the long run, but at least MAYBE, just MAYBE I can get temporary relief from it all. Uuuugggghhh what’s the point?
How can I not be grateful?
21 Jun 2010 Leave a Comment
This is what I get to wake up to every morning… what I get to come home to every afternoon and what I get to snuggle with every evening!
Hmmm where to start?
11 May 2010 1 Comment
in Family, Job, Life, School, Surgery, Thoughts
<!
st1\:*{behavior:url(#ieooui) }
Here is a little time-line breakdown…
st1\:*{behavior:url(#ieooui) } –>
January –
Celebrated SRR’s 30th birthday
Celebrated our 4 year wedding anniversary
I started school
We moved in to our new townhome
Scratch N Sniff Productions is now in full gear
February -
Still in school 3 nights a week
Celebrated Valentine’s Day
Drove to Florida for the first GNCC race
SRR raced his first ever GNCC race
Cleaned out the old apartment and have been settling in at our new place
March –
Still in school 3 nights a week and it is starting to takes it toll on my mind and body
Did my first Ride-A-Long with Cary EMS
April –
Still in school 3 nights a week and feel like I can barely function
SRR broke his collar bone
Found a new therapist that I really like
SRR is scheduled for surgery
SRR had surgery
Hands on testing started and finished in 2 weeks (and I survived it)
May –
Took and passed my Final exam in class
Last day of class was May 5th
Celebrated Mother’s Day in Virginia
State Exam is scheduled for May 21st…..
So, it has been crazy to say the least… but it has also been very challenging in many ways. Trying to juggle a full time job, a household and full-time school at the same time is no easy task, but I have no regrets for giving it a try. Through out the past few months I feel like I have grown as a person and as a wife. I feel like I have been focusing on one thing and one thing only for the past few years and to realize that some things are completely out of my hands has been a hard pill to swallow, but has also made me realize that there are other things in life that I have full control over.
I feel like I lived my life for the past few years focusing on nothing but fertility/infertility issues we have gone through and I was sinking deeper and deeper in to depression and denial. See I always thought I had my life outlined and planned and things were/would workout just the way I had it drawn out… but when something like infertility hits you in the face and you realize one day that you have no control over it, it is very hard to move on and function. You feel like all your plans and dreams have been ripped away from you. You grow angry towards others, you experience uncontrollable jealousy, things you enjoyed on a daily basis are no longer enough to satisfy you and that is when you find yourself in a deep black hole and feel the life being sucked out of you. That is where I was late last years… I felt like without a child, our lives would never be complete and I found my self isolated from everything and everyone.
Then I woke up one day and realized that I needed to be grateful for the AMAZING life I had/have. I have the most amazing/supportive/funny/loving husband anyone could ever ask for, I have two amazing four legged kids at home, I have a beautiful home to come home to everyday and I am surrounded by people who love me for who I am and nothing else. This is not to say that I have 100% come to terms with the idea that we may never have kids, but for now I am OK with it. I have learned to be happy for others and move on.
Soooo… to bring it all back together…
I decided to do something for me, something that would make me proud of what I did and appreciate things in life unlike many others are not able to. And I found the answer in going back to school to be an EMT, to help others at their worst time, to be there as a shoulder to cry on, to offer arms when a hug is needed and to be able to make a difference in someone’s life every single day. It may not be the path I always saw my self going down, but it is the path I chose to do going forward and I cannot wait for this part of my journey to begin.
Happy Holidays
24 Dec 2009 Leave a Comment
Wish I could say I was sad to see 2009 end, but honestly it has been a crazy year for me and most of it was not for the good. I hope 2010 will bring a lot of health and happiness to my family, friends and everyone else.
Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Hanukkah…etc
Mutlu Bayramlar! Buone Feste! Forhe Feiertage! Hau’oli Lanui! Jie Ri Yu Kuai!
Picture Wednesday
15 Apr 2009 Leave a Comment
in Family, Pictures, Random Talks, Travel
SRR and Poontater were in Jacksonville, FL for Supercross. I would have to say it was the BEST rest I have seen so far and it had me out of my seat the whole 20 laps.
Here are some highlights!
The G.O.A.T - Ricky Carmichael
C-H-A-N-G-E
20 Mar 2009 Leave a Comment
in 101 Goals, Family, Friends, House, Job, Life, NC, Thoughts
Change has always been something I have avoided. Most of the time I like things the way they are, or even if I don’t like things the way they are my fear of change would take over and cripple me to move forward. My fear kept me at a job I disliked and hated more and more everyday. It kept me from going to school to get my degree. It kept me from taking the leap to sell the house. It kept me from 100% agreeing to move to NC… you get the idea! This was nothing new to me. I have always been afraid of change, but as an adult I found it to be more and more crippling and it started to effect the way I felt about myself and life in general.
But the thing is that, every time I take a chance and take the leap I am always shocked at the end results and the AWESOME feelings that come with it. Like letting my old boss know that I was leaving… as scared as I was, man it felt so good. Of course I had to deal with the freak out moments of not having a job and the fact that after being somewhere for 7 years I was now in the looking for a job field and interviews scare the crap out of me (we will talk about my social issues at another time). But in the end I DID IT! I am now at a job like a like and could possibly see a future within the company if I wanted to.
Now let’s talk about selling the house and moving to NC. That was about 4+ years in the making. I had many many deep issues related to selling the house and moving somewhere where I felt I would be very vulnerable because I did not know anyone. But after a lot work with therapy and support from SRR I was ready to take the jump and move. Once I felt comfortable in my own skin and I felt strong as a person the whole process came very easy. I mean leaving my friends and what I have known as life for 10+ years was very hard, but I was now looking forward to our new life and was truly excited (without the fear taking over) for the first time since the NC conversation first came up. I know that my SRR will always be there for me and he knows that I will always be there for him no matter what. And as scary and lonely the process could have been, we had each other (and of course Ollie & Sugar). Once we were ready things just fell in the place like it was all meant to be… and one thing after another, things worked them self’s out and September 2008 we hit the road. And to this day I am so happy that we made the change in our lives and moved. I love being closer to extended family and everything else about NC (the cost of living kind of sucks), but everything else makes up for it.
I am a much different person then I was just 2 years ago and it’s OK. Change is not always going to come easy and I know that, but the more I trust my self the easier each step will be.
Now for another huge change in my life – I need to submit my application for Nursing School.
The world must know
19 Feb 2009 4 Comments
in Announcement, Family
See.. I happen to be married to an amazingly funny and creative husband (and he is SUPER cute/handsome as well). I get to experience this awesomeness on a daily basis and it is GREAT… but I think it is time for me to share him with the rest of the world…
Please meet Sir Robbie Rob and make sure to have a box of kleenex handy to wipe away those tears you will get from laughing so hard. Oh and please make sure to spit out or swallow any liquid you might have in your mouth.
Enjoy!!!
Oooooozing Cuteness
08 Jan 2009 1 Comment
in Family
Just chillin… our 4 hour drive back home from Virginia!
My Sir Robbie Rob
31 Dec 2008 1 Comment
in Family, Uncategorized
Have I ever told you (my little virtual world) how lucky I am to have the most amazing husband in the world (yeah yeah mine is better then yours get over it). He is loving, caring, funny, sweet, gentle and of course damn good looking.
Being lucky enough to wake up next to the one I love, being able to feel the freedom to share everything my silly little mind thinks and to know that I am loved unconditionally is amazing. I love you more and more everyday and look forward to spending the rest of our lives together.
Happy New Year Babies… and I hope 2009 brings us everything we have been wishing for.
I Love you!
That’s worth gaining 10 lbs
12 Dec 2008 1 Comment
in 101 Goals, Family, Food, Life, NC
There have been many places (and trust me I have probably tried most if not all of them) that called them selves Mediterranean Restaurant’s, and honestly I cannot say that any one of them even came close to what I was used to. So I kind of gave up on my search and actually started my attempt at cooking (ohhh and by now SRR was already in love with Turkish Food). I made Lahmacun, Cacik, Borek, Kofte, Coban Salatasi, Baklava…etc but it was never the same. It just sort of took the edge off, but left me wanting just one more hit – I mean bite.
Then we made the brilliant decision to move to Cary, NC (where before we moved, we were warned that we should learn how to cook at home, because the food sucked – or something like that) and with the help of SRR’s AWESOME office mate found out about Bosphorus. Even when SRR mentioned the name to me I was still very skeptical, until I saw the menu and felt like crying from happiness (yes, I know… I have a weirdly wrong relationship with food). That night we went and tried the food and I think I had a smile on my face for the next week (yes – good food makes me happy). They were playing Turkish music, the waiter was Turkish and spoke Turkish to me (which at this point I realized – I need to work on speaking it more often), the food was to DIE for and we walked out of there probably 10lbs heavier then we walked out. But before we walked out, the waiter told us about a Turkish Market (I think at this point I was fighting back tears of joy) and pointed us in the direction. Of course we had to go check it out that night and the place is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. It’s like a little Turkey. They have pretty much everything that I have my mom bring me back from Turkey (hmmm you did not hear that from me) and much much more. I think I was that much more in love with Cary after this. They have an American – Turkish Association which I need to join and I think along with meeting many new people, it will also help me complete Goal #43 off my list.
