HOPE
05 Aug 2010 Leave a Comment
I had given up hope that I could ever TRULY be happy to hear another pregnancy announcement. It’s not that I was not happy for the couple who were now expecting, who would get to experience the joy of parenthood, who would get to watch their little child grow in to an adult and be there to hold their hand through life’s milestones. It was that it hurt too much… to imagine that we may never get to experience any of those joys, that we might never get to experience holding our baby, watching them take their first steps, hear their first words.
I also know that most people will never be able to understand how I feel/or have felt. I have been looked as a selfish person for not being able to bathe in other’s happiness about their pregnancies. But I also have come to understand that those same people will never understand what it feels like to have wanted something so bad (for something that comes SO easily for many people) and to realize that it may never happen. To have had it twice and to have planned your entire future in a short few weeks and to have it taken away from you and have your heart ripped apart.
But for the first time in 4 years it didn’t hurt as bad – I did not want to cry. I’m actually TRULY 100% happy for my friends’ pregnancy announcement. I know they have wanted this pregnancy more then anything and have struggled for the past two years and to know that they will get experience all the joys of parenthood.
So I mark today as a start of a new ME!
I still dream that the day may come… the day I can tell SRR he is going to be a dad (to more then just our furry kids) and watch him be the AWESOME Dad that I know he will be.
But for now… I will try to celebrate the new me and know that the way I feel is OK and that I do not need to justify my feelings to anyone.
YAY for the new Poontater!!!
I may have cried a little…
27 May 2010 1 Comment
in Life, School, Uncategorized
Friday May 21st – I had an eye Dr appointment to give contact lenses another try. After spending 2.5 hours there, we finally found a pair that seemed to work. After my appointment I ran to get a manicure (did not have enough time for a mani/pedi combo), but wanted to give my self a little time to relax either way. After that I ran home and jumped in the shower in order to be able to swing by and pick up my friends Christine, Shawn and Mike. We were well on our way to Fayetteville, NC around 3PM and we had about an hour and a half drive to make it to Fayetteville Community College, where our State Exam was scheduled to take place. We arrived by 4:30’ish and found where we needed to be. Decided we were starving and headed to Huske Hardware House (the only place in Fayetteville I knew) to grab a bite to eat. We were done around 5:20 and drove back to the school to wait for them to open up the doors and let us all in (there were about 100+ people waiting in line to get in). We decided to chill in the car with A/C and went over some study questions to freshen up our memory before taking the plunge.
Around 6:55 we were all seated in our seats and got done listening to all the rules…etc and were told we had two hours to complete our test and it was time to START. I remember opening up the booklet and reading the first question and started shaking. The questions were written in a very different format then I was used to and it scared the crap out me. I decided to skip the first 3 questions (if I can’t answer a question right after reading it, I skip it and come back to it later when I can spend more time reading it and letting it process) and by question 4 and 5 I was getting a little more accustomed to the format the questions were in and went from there. By the time I read question 100 I had written down 31 numbers down on my scrap paper to go visit at a later time and this scared me and made me start doubting my self. Some of them I was able to answer pretty quickly, but about 15 of them were a total guess (an educated guess), but a guess nonetheless. I was done with the test around 8:30 and headed outside to join my classmates that were already done. Around 8:50 we were all done and decided it was time to grab another bite and a few of us wanted to grab a beer or two or three before heading back home. We decided to go back to Huske Hardware House and hung out there till around 10PM before we headed home. I made my way around dropping off everyone and arrived home around 12:15AM and was pooped. I jumped in the shower and spent about 20 minutes trying to take out my damn contacts, when SRR finally came to my rescue and removed in 1.2 seconds. Of course by then all the damage was done and my eyes looked like I took a beating from a cat and were scratched like hell… but oh well… it was time for bed!
May 22nd and 23rd (the weekend) – To my surprise I was actually able to get some sleep and was woken up around 9:30AM by kisses from SRR and was asked if I would like to join him in running some errands before he headed to PA for the GNCC race. We got an oil change for his truck, grabbed a bite to eat and stopped at Dick’s to grab him a new sleeping bag. We tried to give our selves enough time to be able to jump in the pool before he head to hit the road to Greensboro to meet Charkie.
We spent about an hour in the pool acting like fool’s and it was time for him to hit the road. After SRR left, I decided to go out shopping to kill some time. Made a stop at Old Navy and picked up a few things and also made a quick stop at the pet store to grab Ollie boy some more food. The rest of the evening was spent lounging on the couch and snuggling up with my thunderstorm terrified doggie. I finally managed to fall a sleep around 2AM and was up around noon on Sunday. As soon as I opened my eyes I logged on to see if the results of the test were posted – and of course, what State Agency works on a weekend, let alone a Sunday? I spent the rest of the day trying to keep my self occupied and my mind off the test results. To my surprise I did pretty darn good. I hit the bed around 11PM.
May 24th – I knew there was a chance the grades could be posted on Tuesday the 25th or possibly even Wednesday the 26th, but that did not stop me from logging on about a million times on Monday to see if they were posted. Every time I logged on I felt my heart skip a beat… and every time I checked they were not there (yeah yeah I know, I should probably learn to be a little more patient). So around 2:00PM I left work to head to my dentist for my regular check up when my phone rang, it was my friend/classmate Christine. She was calling me to let me know that the grades were now POSTED. I could not get her off the phone quick enough to be able to log on to see if I had passed or failed.
Of course it felt like my phone only had one bar and it took 3 hours to load (it was probably more like 30 seconds), but when your heart is skipping beats from nerves, it feels like FOREVER. Any who, I managed to log on and took a BIG DEEP BREATH before scrolling down to see the results, and there it was Score 90 / Status Passed. I let out one of the loudest screams I ever let out and I am sure the car next to me thought I had seen a ghost or something… but I did not care. I called a few of my classmates to let them know the grades were posted and made my way to the dentist with a HUGE grin on my face. I wanted to tell the world and share my happiness with everyone… but I managed to sit there quietly (with still a huge grin on my face) for the next 45 minutes, until I was done and I called my mom to let her know that from now on I would like to be called *NC State Certified EMT Poontater*. Pretty sure she was as happy as I was, because she let out a loud scream just like I had.
I made my way home (I was not about to go back to work after getting such AWESOME news) and found SRR sound a sleep in the bed. I managed to jump on the bed as hard as I could and greeted him with a huge grin and told him that it was official and that I was now a Certified EMT-B… We ended up celebrating by seeing MacGruber and grabbing yummy dinner at P.F. Chang’s.
Now to the point where I may or may not have cried a little… I was taking a nice long bath that night and it all sunk in. Everything I had worked for so hard in the past few months, all the stress and exhaustion I had gone through, everything I put my mind and body through had paid off. I had officially passed my test and the reality hit me and I might have cried a little. They were 100% happy tears. I was very proud of myself (which was something I had not felt in myself in a very long time). I had gone after something I had dreamt for so long, worked very hard to achieve it and it was now REAL. After feeling defeat after defeat for years while dealing with infertility all my self esteem and hope was gone. I felt like a failure and was scared that I may never be able to feel PROUD again. But the feeling that I felt on Monday night was priceless. I was proud of my self and my determination and it felt GREAT!
Call me *Chef P*
21 Mar 2009 1 Comment
We are trying to eat at home more often and I have been wanting to try some new things in the kitchen. I made the following and I must say that they were both delish (should have snapped a picture). This is the first time I have ever made either dish…
This photo was borrowed from google
Chicken Cordon-Bleu the easy way
- 4 thinly sliced chicken breast half’s
- 6 slices of Swiss cheese
- 4 slices of cooked ham (I found it in the deli isle)
- Seasoned bread crumbs
- Salt & Pepper to taste
- 4 toothpicks
Heat oven to 350 degrees. Sprinkle the chicken with salt & pepper. Lay a slice of Swiss cheese and a slice of ham on the chicken breast and roll it. Secure it with a tooth-pick. Place rolled chicken in a Pyrex dish. Sprinkle with breadcrumbs and place in oven for 30-35 minutes (or until no longer pink). Remove chicken from the oven and place half a slice of Swiss cheese on each piece of chicken and return to oven until cheese is melted. Remove and let it cool for a few minutes before cutting through it. DELISH!!!
I served it with pan grilled/seared asparaugus tossed (he he I said tossed) in olive oil.
Chicken Salad
Not my photo - but it looked almost just like it
- 4 cups of cubed cooked chicken
- 1 cup of mayonnaise
- 1 teaspoon paprika
- 1 cup dried cranberries (I used orange flavored craisens)
- 2 green onions, chopped
- 1 cup chopped celery (I did not use any – because I have a hate/hate relationship with celery)
- 1 cup chopped pecans (or nut of your choice)
- ½ teaspoon of garlic salt
- Ground black pepper to taste
In a medium bowl, mix together mayonnaise with paprika and garlic salt. Blend in dried cranberries, celery, onion, and nuts. Add chopped chicken, and mix well. Season with black pepper to taste. Chill 1 hour or more.
I served it over whole wheat oat and nut bread of some sorts. It was really good!
Random-ness
17 Mar 2009 1 Comment
I just dumped 587 pictures off my SLR to my computer and here are some random photos….
- Ollie the cat
- Rob and Becca – Garage Sale 2008
- First signs of fall in NC
- Leftover’s from my first pumpkin carving
Christmas 2008
- Snow Day 01/20/2009
What remains of my right foot
Ollie sleeping - taken a few moments ago
It's Over
07 Feb 2009 Leave a Comment
So we woke up around 8AM on Wednesday and I walked Sugar and jumped in the bath. After washing my leg off with Hibiclens I got dressed and we headed to Rex Surgery Center in Cary for my 11:50AM surgery (but of course needed to arrive there at least 2 hours prior to that). We checked in and after waiting for about 5 minutes in the waiting room Nurse Stacey called my name and we were escorted to room 6. We chit chatted for a little bit and she asked me a few questions and I signed some papers. A few minutes later I met my anaestheologist and she gave me a quick run down on what was going to happen and told me that I would be receiving a cocktail through my IV and that I would not remember a thing. After she left, Nurse Stacey asked me to change in to my gown and lay in bed. She brought me a warm blanket and some funky, but warm socks to wear. After wrapping my arms in a warm blanket to get the blood in my hands going she started my IV (OMG as good as she was, it hurt like HELL) but it was over pretty quick and now the waiting game began. See we still had about 1.5 hours before the surgery. So we killed some time laughing and playing on our phones. The technician came in about 30 minutes later to re-wash my foot with Hibiclens and she was followed by Dr Tomey. He asked me to verify which foot he would be working on and initialed my right foot to make sure we were all on the same page and told me that it would not be much longer because he was running early. A few minutes after he left they gave me my cocktail through my IV and wheeled me in to the operating room. I remember entering the room, but the next thing I remember after that was waking up in the recovery room and nurses taking my blood pressure. I remember hearing someone mention Rob’s name and someone asking if they should go and get him from the waiting room. Through my very heavy eyes and sleepiness all I remember telling the nurse was that I had to PEE and I had to PEE now. She said 15 more minutes, because they wanted to take my blood pressure again before I got up… OMG I had to focus and just keep breathing. Apparently 15 minutes passed and Rob was by my side and I remember telling him to tell the nurse I had to PEE… They dressed me in my pants and off I went to the restroom. When I got back I started thinking… hmmm I had nothing to drink for at least 12 hours what was up with that, when at the same time (like she could read my mind) the nurse said, well honey you did drink about 2L’s its just that it all came through your IV. 10 more minutes later I was dressed and being wheeled in a wheelchair to the car and I was ready to go home.
We stopped at Walgreens to drop off and pick up my prescriptions for Vicodin and Oxycodone and of course had to grab something to eat. After dropping off the prescriptions we ran over to Chick-Fil-A to grab me something to eat, then we drove back to Walgreens to grab the prescriptions that we had dropped off and about 30 minutes later we were headed home. I plumped my butt on the couch and have been here ever since.
I took an Oxycodone the first hour I was home and did not feel like it did much for me, but thought maybe I need to give it some more time. As the pain started getting worse I decided to take one more and give it more time, but NADA. The pain never went away and seemed like it just got worse. So that night I switched to Vicodin and it knocked me out and took the pain away and I was in heaven. See I have a very low tolerance to pain, so the pain from surgery is as bad as it gets for me, but I was super glad to have the good drugs to lend me a helping hand.
Thursday morning I woke to pain (it had been about 10 hours since the last time I took anything) so after Rob made me some yummy Waffle’s I popped in 1 more vicodin and waited for it to kick in. Around noon there was a knock on the door and I received a beautiful plant and the cutest Get Well Soon balloon from my in-laws. I spent the rest of the day watching the Foot Network and in and out of naps all day. Dr Tomey called me in the afternoon to see how I was doing and to see if I was able to get some sleep the night before. I told him that putting any sort of pressure on my foot is an absolute killer and he told me that, that was normal and that the only reason I should be off my butt should be to either be using the restroom and taking a quick bath (and I have been a good patient).
Friday was pretty much the same. I once again woke up with pain and after eating some breakfast I gobbled down more pain killers and was in and out of sleep all day. We ordered Pizza for dinner and watched Madagascar II and also had plans on watching Zach and Miri make a Porno, but apparently the drugs got the best of me and I was out for the night.
More to come (with pictures)…
Ohhh Happy Day… Ohhh Happy Day…
21 Jan 2009 1 Comment
in NC, Uncategorized
Sugar LOVED the snow!
And here are my two favorite creatures!
My Sir Robbie Rob
31 Dec 2008 1 Comment
in Family, Uncategorized
Have I ever told you (my little virtual world) how lucky I am to have the most amazing husband in the world (yeah yeah mine is better then yours get over it). He is loving, caring, funny, sweet, gentle and of course damn good looking.
Being lucky enough to wake up next to the one I love, being able to feel the freedom to share everything my silly little mind thinks and to know that I am loved unconditionally is amazing. I love you more and more everyday and look forward to spending the rest of our lives together.
Happy New Year Babies… and I hope 2009 brings us everything we have been wishing for.
I Love you!
Goal#11 – Ten out of Twelve
04 Dec 2008 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: Add new tag
It’s official – I have been sucked in to the world of Twilight and I’m loving every minute of it (plus I get to knock off 4 books of my list).
Twilight:
Grade 9 Up–When Bella Swan moves from sunny Phoenix to Forks, Washington, a damp and dreary town known for the most rainfall in the United States, to live with her dad, she isnt expecting to like it. 
But the level of hostility displayed by her standoffish high school biology lab partner, Edward Cullen, surprises her. After several strange interactions, his preternatural beauty, strength, and speed have her intrigued. Edward is just as fascinated with Bella, and their attraction to one another grows. As Bella discovers more about Edwards nature and his family, she is thrown headlong into a dangerous adventure that has her making a desperate sacrifice to save her one true love. One of the more original vampire constructs around, this recording of Stephenie Meyers debut novel (Megan Tingley Books, 2005) is narrated with great style by Ilyana Kadushin, who makes the infinitely romantic tale of star-crossed lovers resonate with a bittersweet edge. Although Edward and Bellas romance and subsequent danger develops slowly, the pacing is appropriate for teens who want learn all the details in this suspenseful tale. An excellent purchase for both school and public libraries.–Charli Osborne, Oxford Public Library, MI
And YES, I do plan to go see the movie and will probably even drag my poor/awesome hubby with me.
Happy Anniversary!
28 Oct 2008 2 Comments
Today is 10 years since Sir Robbie Rob and poontater starting dating. They fell in love, adopted a cat named Lenny, moved in together, bought a house, got engaged and married, adopted a dog named Sugar (aka baby girl), sold their house and moved to North Carolina.
I feel like the luckiest person alive. To be able to wake up to the one I love more then ever, to be with my best friend everyday, to be able to share the ups and downs of life with my soulmate is the most amazing feeling in the world. I hope that every single one of you get to experience at least a bit of how I feel everyday. That is pretty much the past 10 years in a nut shell.
Yeah we have had our ups and downs and cannot always say that the past 10 years have been the easiest or the most pleasant at times, but I would not change a single moment. Everything we have been through has made us who we are today and has made our relationship that much stronger.
Happy Anniversary Honey! I love you with all my heart!
